


The Firstborn

by mobile_mom



Series: The Siblings [1]
Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Childhood Memories, Childhood Trauma, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-12
Updated: 2018-09-19
Packaged: 2019-05-21 13:00:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,474
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14915846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mobile_mom/pseuds/mobile_mom
Summary: Jamie finds comfort in an old picture of his mom and tells her a bit about Ian and Mickey.Or: Happy Birthday, Mom.





	1. Chapter 1

The Firstborn

 

„Happy Birthday, mom“, he gently whispered, carefully caressing the old photograph with his thumb.  
  
“Believe me, if you’d still be with us, you would get the whole birthday package now, with Ian and Mandy going completely crazy, singing and everything” he smiled.  
  
“You’d like him. He is…he is good for Mickey.”  
  
Jamie fumbled nervously at his hair and he was so thankful that he was alone, being a bit ashamed about talking to his mom and telling her all this stuff.  
But that’s what got him through the years. That’s what helped him through each and every single crazy episode in his fucked up life. Her photograph. The most beautiful passport picture ever taken, if you asked him. But no one ever asked him. Not about anything.  
  
“Mickey is good for him, too.”  
“Well, of course, he is” he sniffs.  
“You always knew it. Won’t ever forget the day I came home and he was sitting on your hip while you were cooking something. I was a bit scared to take him; he was so tiny and fragile and you just smiled the proudest mom smile ever and said to me “Jamie, he is so strong.”  
  
And recollecting this moment, Jamie tried to brush away the thought, that he always, her whole life, wished, she would have said so about him. He was her eldest son!  
But he knew that she had always known that, he had always been her rock solid. Always was, always would be. Just like she knew that Mickey, that tiny, scrawny kid, was so strong.  
  
“Y’know, I wish I knew if he ever told you that he…that he, y’know..liked other boys.”  
  
“Okay” and he had to laugh a little about himself.  
“Could bet he didn’t even have to tell ya, right? Did you know it, mom?”  
And all of a sudden, Jamie wasn’t that sure, their mom had known about it. After all, how old had Mickey been, when she died?  
  
“When Ian was missing, we got real drunk one night and Mickey told me, how he’d read all about that illness Ian has. It’s not contagious, mom, Mick is fine. Its’s called bipolar; something that fu..that uh, messes up your brain”  
  
In a need of some distraction from his thoughts he realized getting darker and darker, Jamie lit a cigarette and deeply inhaled.  
  
“I never got how he can care so much about another person if he himself never really…” but realizing he was going to accuse his mom for not caring about her last child enough, Jamie just let the sentence die.  
  
“You ever think, I’ll find this one and only girl, mom?” and although the house was empty and he was talking to a faded photograph of his mother who left him years ago, Jamie felt his cheeks burning.  
“Wish, she’d be as beautiful as you” he whispered.  
  
And then he kissed her picture.  
  
“This one’s from Joey.  
That’s from Iggy.  
Mandy of course.  
Mickey.  
I love you mom.”  
  
And after a short hesitation, Jamie smiled, kissed his mother again, this time very carefully and hushed and explained to her:  
“Mickey would have given him shit about it, but believe me, Ian is a huge kisser! He would have loved you, mom.  
Happy Birthday.”


	2. Sorry, I failed you - Part 2 of Jamie's story

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We get some more time to discover Jamie's feelings.  
> You might want to put your angst helmet on ;o) Thanks for my beta readers to go through this.
> 
> To get you into the mood, I recommend to listen to this beautiful song from James Smith:  
> [James Smith - Little Love](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AkjusxRdWr8&index=7&list=PLXq8Y6hDjesJtoUaAe2W5lbkKfBgmBgLA)
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> See notes at the end for the mentioned picture.

After Jamie had gotten himself a beer he sat down at the worn-out couch, surrounded by the numbing silence that had taken over the usually turbulent house, and he continued to speak to his mother in his head now. Already feeling slightly drowsy; he thought absentmindedly that he should definitely have eaten something. 

_You think the little ones even remember the happy times? Or had some? Well, I had them and sometimes I wish I hadn’t._  


He felt a slight sting in his eyes.  


_Someone should think the others could have been envious of the good times Dad, you and I had, but I envy them. I envy Mickey to always have had it so much more easily to simply hate dad. And Mandy? She could have been your little princess and hardly even remembers you._  


The burning of the sting got harder.  


_I fucking remember you, mom! And I miss you, always had._  


“The f***, look at me now, whining like a big baby. Just good, Dad can’t see me.”  


Jamie took a huge gulp of the beer, the alcohol loosening his tongue and thoughts enough not to care anymore about swear words his mom had always reprimanded him for or making a fool of himself by talking out loud to no one but himself at the empty house.  


“Remember that one day when you took Joey and me on a walk and told us how you met Dad? Sometimes I think that had been the best day of my life.  
I can still feel the softness of your warm hand, and when I close my eyes, I can still smell that flowery perfume on you. “  


And he closed his eyes, leaning back at the sofa, trying to pretend the old rest pressing on his neck was a caressing hand. A hand that was soft and strong at the same time, a mother’s hand, loving and protecting.  


“Why couldn’t you protect yourself from him? I mean, not from his abuse, that’s obvious, but why couldn’t you avoid…falling in love with him?” and while the tears started to flow, Jamie snuggled deeper into the sofa.  


“Like a fucking hurricane; and Mickey is just the same. Why the fuck can not one single person I love, settle with a tender breeze?! It’s all just thunder and lightning, wherever I am looking.”  
After that it went silent again in the house that had seen so many thunderstorms rolling through it.  


And between hiccupping from the beer and sobbing slightly, Jamie admitted after a while: “And still I envy you….and them. I would probably kill for someone loving me like that. Fuck, I can’t even get one decent girl looking at me, ‘cause I’m a fucking Milkovich!”  


Jamie drew his knees close, clutched his arms around them and propped his forehead against them. He inhaled deeply and let out a shaky breath.  


“I wanna be a dad” he whispered. Pressing his eyes shut as if expecting to be scolded by his mom, trying to avoid having to face her. He had to remind himself that the only thing he had to face, were his own fears.  


“I know. I know I fucked up massively, mom” and he began to rock back and forth in tiny motions, subconsciously trying to comfort himself.  


“I am your eldest; I should have been there for them; and for you. I am so deeply sorry. I am so sorry, I failed you.”  


Jamie let himself fall to his side, exhausted, as sleep overcame him. And he dreamed back to the day his mom took him and Joey for a walk.  
They were all walking beside each other, their mom in the middle, Joey on her left and he on her right hand. Everything felt so easy and light, he was even hopping a bit. All three of them felt nothing but invulnerable, looking into a bright future. Not one of wealth, but love and a family that would stick together no matter what. A young beautiful woman with two smart, strong kids next to each side, all of them smiling. And looking down on them proudly, she beamed when she told them how she had met their dad. How that attractive, athletic build guy had won her over at the grocery store, where he packed her bags. Jamie dreamed on how he had risen his eyebrow at the image of his dad packing bags, he dreamed on how the wind had brushed through his hair and caressed his cheek when his mom confided to them with a slight giggle how she lingered around sheepishly the next days at the store. How she waited for him at the end of his shifts and how they walked and talked and finally exchanged their first kiss in front of a graffiti smeared wall. Jamie remembered in his sleep how his mom had then stopped, kneeled down, pressed him severely against her and whispered blissfully happy in his ear: “I made sure, I was telling him in front of that exact wall, that we were expecting you”. And he could still feel the knot in his chest, trying to process this information while Joey kept looking at them somewhat jealous. He was too young back then to truly fathom the whole situation. Only years later, when he had witnessed how his little brother’s face softened whenever that red-haired boy was around, Jamie understood that his mom and Mickey had been blessed with a deeper love than any of most people could dream of in their lives.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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> Thanks for reading.  
> And thanks for @themetalmotel for helping me with the picture!
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> Up next will be Iggy, Joey and then Mandy.
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> I look forward to your comments.


End file.
